One Life can Change a Community

A few months ago, I turned on ESPN, and I couldn’t believe what I was watching. Shannon Sharpe was being accused of sexual assault. As I listened to his podcast Unc & Ocho later that evening, I quickly realized the accusations were carrying a weight that even his business partner, Chad Ochocinco, couldn’t hide. In the span of days, a media icon went from powerhouse to pariah. Soon after the accusations, he lost his ESPN platform. Reports claimed he faced a $50 million lawsuit and that a potential $100 million deal with ESPN was off the table.

I sympathized with Shannon. All those years of dedication and work to establish himself as a .001% in his field was at risk. He was not a villain, but he was out of pocket with his actions. What Shannon’s mishap taught us was that lust is a powerful force that can lead to troves of pleasure, but it comes with a price. A hefty one at that. For Shannon, this wasn’t merely the price of fame that finally caught up to him, although I am sure that a played pivotal role, but it was the cost of losing focus. When a certain focus is absent in a man, desire rules the heart. Where most guys go wrong is they spend their energy actively trying to stop lust. But that rarely ever works. If you spend all your time seeking to stop lust, you will fail 9 times out of 10. To effectively deal with lust you must understand what it is and what it is not.

L.U.S.T

Lust is defined as an intense desire. The Greek word for lust is “epithymia,” which simply means strong desire or longing. From a biblical perspective it is desire or longing detached from divine purpose.

In science, lust is synonymous with libido or a strong biological need to satisfy sexual craving. For most men, lust feels like a natural drive to have sex of some kind. Most men understand it but struggle to stop it. Shannon Sharpe, Bill Clinton, or even the Emperor Marcus Aurelius were all men of strength and influence undone by desire. It doesn’t care how disciplined, intelligent, or powerful you are. Lust promises pleasure that is exceedingly difficult to turn down.

And that’s the problem. Since most men believe they already know what lust is—and know its consequences—they underestimate its power and struggle to contain it. Lust isn’t just biology. It’s spiritual corrosion disguised as chemistry. Science can describe its effects, but Scripture reveals its root cause.

Lust is love gone rouge. Here is an acronym that helps put this notion into a more spiritual perspective.

L.U.S.T. = Love Unbridled by Sacred Temperance

• Love — the God-given capacity for eternal intimacy.
• Unbridled — the removal of restraint or discipline.
• Sacred — the spiritual boundary that gives love meaning.
• Temperance — the self-control that separates passion from destruction.

Love is not simply an emotional state of affection. It’s not something you fall in and out of. You may not be able to explain it, but you can observe it because love is an action. Consider how Jesus defines how to love HIM: “Whoever has MY commands and keeps them is the one who loves ME” (John 14:21). It’s an act of obedience fueled by devotion and alignment with God’s will. It’s not just an intense but perhaps impermanent feeling as the world would describe. Love provides us a way to be in relation with the Most High and to connect intimately with another person. Love represents an eternal state not an emotional one.

Based on this understanding, when love goes unbridled, it transforms something pure into something tainted. When you remove the shackles of sacred restraint, love loses its form. It no longer heals; it harms. Unbridled love becomes possession and obsession that arises from a lack of temperance. When love steps outside the boundaries of God’s order, it changes. Love in this form ceases to reflect God and starts to reflect self. And once love brings focus on the self, it transforms into lust. This is why many people confuse love with lust because it can feel exhilarating and mimic love in profound ways because love and lust are spiritual.

Consider the physical manifestations of both. The first time a woman has intercourse, the hymen is often torn. In biblical times, this act symbolized the sealing of a covenant. It was a physical representation of a spiritual boundary being crossed. It marked the creation of a new bond, one that united man and woman to become one flesh in spirit. Love binds that spiritual union, while lust separates it because it operates outside God’s order. Since the scientific revolution, we have dispelled this spiritual view of intimacy in effort to adopt a scientific view, which centers on observing the physical or emotional mechanics of love and lust and its outcomes. But where science fails to provide an adequate explanation about why lust leaves us spiritually emptier, while love offers spiritual fulfillment, Scripture offers an answer.

John the Baptist states “for God is love”(1 John 4:7-8), while Paul offers another take; he suggests that we “put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:14). Love is an act of obedience that binds us to Jesus. Lust, however, does the opposite. Scripture describes those who “have given themselves over to sensuality” (Ephesians 4:19), as never filled and empty.

And for most men, lust is a poor substitute for what we truly desire, love. Not the fleeting, emotional kind, but the real love, centered on action, obedience, and connection with the Most High.

Who’s a candidate for Lust?

The answer is all men. But some men have a stronger urge than others and this urge can wax and wane over time. What the Bible, science, and history tells us is that there are five types of men that will often struggle with lust. Keep in mind these are not mutually exclusive categories. You can fit into none, one, multiple or all the categories at certain points in your life.

• High Achievers – Success breeds entitlement. When men feel untouchable, they stop being accountable.
  • “Pride goes before destruction.” — Proverbs 16:18
• Spiritually Drifting Men – When prayer fades, impulse grows.
  • “Abide in me, and I in you… apart from me you can do nothing.” — John 15:4–5
• Lonely Men – Lust fills emotional hunger with temporary pleasure.
  • “It is not good for man to be alone.” — Genesis 2:18
• Wounded Men – Using lust to medicate rejection, stress, or pain.
  • “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9
• Bored Men – Without vision, the flesh invents its own excitement.
  • “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” — Proverbs 29:18

We can use Scripture and science to identify certain characteristics that are highly related to lust. Some see science as the only source of truth, while others believe only God’s Word holds all knowledge. I view them as complementary. Science helps us observe how God’s design works, but Scripture reveals why. Here is an example of science and scripture reinforcing one another:

• Impulsivity – Men who struggle with controlling impulses or self-regulating (Rodriguez et al., 2021).
  • Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.” — Proverbs 25:28
• Emotional distress – men who have been sexually traumatized in the past (Gewirtz-Meydan & Godbout, 2023).
  • “The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?” — Proverbs 18:14
• Novelty seeking – Men who tend to prefer new stimuli (Banca et al., 2016).
  • “The eyes of man are never satisfied.” — Proverbs 27:20
• Addictions- Men with substance disorders (Golder et al., 2024).
  • “For whatever overcomes a man, to that he is enslaved.” — 2 Peter 2:19
• Environment- Men with easy access to pornography or sexual content (Jha, 2022).
  • “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” — Romans 12:2

If you associate yourself with any of these characteristics this does not guarantee that you will struggle with lust, but these are certainly a few red flags that you should consider. Now that you have a sense of who might struggle with lust, let me explain how you can deal with lust.

Dealing with Lust

As you’ve noticed, I don’t title this section conquering, defeating, or eliminating lust. Those words assume there’s still a battle being fought. The truth is, for most men, the war is already lost. They capitulated years ago. Some as teenagers, the first time they stumbled across pornography. Others in early adulthood, when they confused attention from promiscuous women with affection. Lust doesn’t need to conquer you with force, it often wages a long and tenuous battle and wins through slow surrender.

So what happens after a war is lost? You live under occupation. You become subject to the whims of the very force that overpowered you. Every time lust calls, you obey. Every time temptation whispers, you listen. You become subordinate to lust and so as it commands, you follow. The question, then, is not “How do I win a fight I have already lost?” but “How do I reclaim what has been taken from me?”

Reclaiming the ground lost to lust requires changing the foundation upon which lust was built. If you’re wondering what that foundation is, you’re not alone, but I think you know the answer. That foundation is YOU. You must change YOU—What you believe, how you think, what you focus on, and what drives you. You must ask God to change the desires of your heart and then take action to actualize those new wants and needs. A few practical steps to reclaim your ground include:

• Interrupt It —when lust emerges occupy your mind with a rewarding task.
• Get some wins—winning raises your testosterone, which helps you pursue more elaborate goals outside filling carnal needs
• Flee from it—when possible distance yourself from lust. It’s proximity tempts you in ways that are difficult to resist so create space
• Pray and Surrender—give it to God. I know this sounds like a cliche, but it actually works.

Scientific research confirms these practical steps for controlling lust. Let’s start with prayer, since it’s perhaps the most cliche or controversial one. Some people dismiss it as superstition or self-talk, but neuroscience tells a different story. For example, a 2014 study shows that praying modulates certain brain signals associated with attention and self-control (Kober et al, 2014). Another study using brain scans found that during prayer, parts of the frontal lobe quiet down, allowing the mind to tune out distractions and focus inward. The frontal lobe governs self-control, risk evaluation, and delayed gratification (Boes et al., 2011). These are the very mental functions weakened by lust. In other words, prayer helps train the mind to filter temptation.

In terms of fleeing from it, a neuroscience study found that even when people saw sexual images so quickly they didn’t realize it, their brains still reacted. The parts of the brain that drive craving and impulse lit up before they were even aware of what they’d seen (Rose et al., 2008). That means temptation starts faster than you think. You don’t reason your way out of it; you must simply remove yourself from it.

In addition, science shows that winning (even if it’s a perceived victory) triggers hormonal shifts in men, raising testosterone, boosting drive, and increasing motivation. It’s known as the winner’s effect, and its power lies in momentum. Each win, even if small, builds energy that moves you toward higher objectives, not back into reactive, pleasure-seeking patterns.

Finally, science reveals that interrupting lust works by occupying your mind. Research shows that switching from one mental task to another activates brain regions of cognitive control and executive function (like the prefrontal cortex and dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex) which help inhibit automatic or impulsive behaviors (Friedman & Robbins, 2022). 

Managing lust takes action, so don’t think you can passively react to lust and reclaim your ground. Change can be difficult, but it’s necessary to take more control of your life.

A lonely road

Dealing with lust can feel isolating at times. Your friends may not be on the same path. Also, don’t expect your lady to fully comprehend the weight that comes with managing lust as a man. Most women won’t understand, and that’s not all their fault. They are biologically different, and the world reinforces her belief that a man should simply control himself. And yes, that’s true, he should. But it’s also more difficult than it looks when sexual stimuli are everywhere. Just turn on the TV or get on social media and you will see it first hand.

We should honor virtuous women who grasp this difference, because they recognize something that science confirms and that is men and women experience lust differently — biologically, psychologically, and neurologically.

• Men tend to have stronger sex drives on average. A meta-analysis (a study of studies) of 211 studies found men think more about sex, fantasize more, and report stronger desire more often than women, with a medium-to-large effect size. 
• On average, men are more frequently pulled by sexual craving.
• Men’s sexual desire is more stable; women’s is more episodic. So while you are always wrestling with lust, women have short windows where they may struggle with it.
• Men respond more strongly to visual sexual stimuli; women show more emotional activation.

These differences are real, and some women understand them. Ironically, they’re not always the women men should pursue. Most of us know the story of Samson and Delilah, but we often focus on how Delilah ruined Samson in the end, not how she comforted him at the beginning. Her allure wasn’t just physical. It was also spiritual. If you’ve ever opened up to a highly sexual woman, you know what I mean. She often understands the struggle of lust and doesn’t judge it. That makes her easy to talk to, and even easier to fall for.

But that comfort often comes with a cost. She’s lost the same battle you have, only from the other side. Because women have easier access to fulfill those desires, the man soon finds himself disillusioned by her choices. Yet he can’t blame her, not entirely. She never claimed to have won the fight, only to understand it. And if you choose to commit to her, knowing that, then the disappointment is yours to bear.

If you find someone to support you along the way, that is a great sign of someone who values love over lust. Just remember spotting the difference between those two is not as easy as it looks.

I leave you with a final point. Surrender to God, not the chains of lust. If you abide in HIM, HE abides in you, and in that communion, HE reveals the difference between HIS version of love and the world’s counterfeit version of love (lust).